1. A young couple came in, both upset and confused about the fact that the woman had become pregnant. They stressed the fact that they were on birth control, specifically they were on the pill.
However, before I could say anything, the boyfriend quietly took me aside and explained to me that he had been taking the pill instead of his girlfriend because “she had a weak stomach and couldn’t take pills…”
2. A patient came in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to stress the fact that she only ever had one partner.
“And even if my boyfriend is sleeping with other people, it shouldn’t matter,” said the patient. “My boyfriend uses a condom every time and makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.”
The ER nurse asked the patient what she meant when she said her boyfriend “washes it every time”. The patient explained that her boyfriend washed the same old condom with hot water and soap before he used it. Every time.
I had to kindly explain to a grown woman that condoms are a one-time use product. She had no clue.
3. These weren’t patients of mine, but I once overheard the following conversation in the waiting room:
Man 1: My daughter is allergic to wheat.
Man 2: So she can’t eat bread or anything?
Man 1: We only give her white bread.
Man 2: Oh yeah, I guess bread only has wheat if it says it on there. Like whole wheat or whatever.
Man 1: Yeah, I guess.
Man 2: So can she eat pizza?
Man 1: Only cheese pizza.
4. A lady had to have her foot amputated and was given waiver forms to sign pre-op. The patient is asked if she needs time to think about her decision. She’s surprisingly calm and nonchalant, she doesn’t seem to care much about what they do to her limb.
The doctor gets suspicious and probes a bit further, asking why she’s not more concerned. The patient says she understands that they have to operate, but that “it’s okay because the foot will grow back.”
The doctor had to explain to the woman that she is not, in fact, a salamander and that limbs do not grow back in humans.
5. More than one patient has come into my vet’s office complaining about their dog’s chest.
One man thought his male dog’s nipples were giant blood-sucking ticks. He actually tried poking at them and lightly pulling on them, complaining that “they are impossible to remove…”
A woman also came in complaining that her dog had “huge tumors” growing on its chest. Nope. Again, just nipples.
6. My favorite patient story is particularly funny because I’m not actually a doctor. I have a Ph.D. in Fine Arts, but apparently, lots of people think that just because I have a DOCTORATE of Philosophy, it means they can ask me about their disgusting medical issues…
I can NOT prescribe you medication, and I will NOT look at your rash.
7. I once had a meeting with a patient about their diet and nutritional intake. I ended up having to explain to this person that, no, Coca-cola is NOT, in fact, a vegetable. Just because it says “contains vegetable extracts” on the side of a can of Coke does not mean it can count as one of your “five veggies a day…”
8. Paramedic here, I have had to inform numerous people that pouring Gatorade into the mouth of unresponsive diabetics is not a good idea…
9. I’m a registered nurse, not a doctor, but here’s the story:
The patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.
The patient goes home, etc. He comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. They ask him if he’s been taking his insulin and he goes “of course.” So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes “sure, I just need an orange.”
At this point, I started facepalming hard because I know where this one is heading. But of course, they got him an orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. So the guy draws up the insulin correctly, takes the syringe, injects it into the orange, and then says “and then I eat the orange.”
At this point, I had to walk out because I nearly lost my shit right there…
10. My best friend’s mom is a nurse at a hospital in an area with a lot of gang activity. More than once, she has had to explain to the family of her deceased patients that you can’t get a brain transplant after getting shot in the head. Or at all really.
11. Not a doctor, but a good friend of mine is. He once told that he had to explain to one of his patients that regular band-aids do not cure anything at all, but just cover up a wound. The patient in question had tried to cure her recently diagnosed Type-II diabetes by sticking band-aids all over herself…
12. Another lady I was seeing for clinicals was diabetic, and she would come in every week with stupid high blood sugar levels (250-560ish), not knowing why they were so high.
She kept a record of everything she ate, and all her food intake seemed fine. One day, her husband came with her, which was weird, and he ninja slipped me a note while shaking my hand. It read, “Ask her about the Quiktrip slushies. She doesn’t believe me that they have sugar in them.” So I asked her if she was having any soda, lemonade, tea, ice cream, shakes or slushies, and she told me like a light bulb had gone off in her head, “Well, I have been drinking about 3 of the 48oz Quiktrip slushies every day for a while now. They’re just so good! And they aren’t food or drink, they’re slushies! So they don’t have any sugar in them, and I don’t need to record them!” It was so hard to convince her that those are so full of sugar it isn’t even funny.
But seriously. 3 a day on a type 2 diabetic. It was one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life.
13. I’m doing counseling in an STI testing clinic.
I had to explain to a young gay couple that if they both tested negative for HIV and don’t cheat on each other, that they could not get infected with HIV out of nowhere. They seemed to think that unprotected gay sex spontaneously generates an HIV infection.
14. I’m not an M.D. but I am an eye doctor. Recently, I had to tell a patient that no, you should not attempt to continue wearing a contact lens that was dropped in the damn toilet! Maybe that’s where your eye infection came from?
15. A woman came in for a well baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. The doctor started explaining to her as kindly as he could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk, at which point she interrupts him and says “oh that isn’t chocolate milk. Its coffee! He just loves it!”
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