Last night, I was enjoying my favorite part of the day: when Mama takes me out for my daily strut in the park. I look forward to this walk all day while she’s at work and I’m doing my… thing.
But on yesterday’s walk, I was left with a particularly bad taste in my mouth. (And I know bad tastes — I’ve eaten my own poop before.) No, no. This was that unique taste that only comes from one thing: you damn people body-shaming me for my beautiful, bouncy Corgi butt.
When I saw the two of you approach me, I thought, “Oh hi wow new friends new friends new friends hi hi hi!” You were smiling at me and petting me, and it seemed like our friendship was off to a great start. Then, sadly… things took a turn. You went from commenting on how cute I was to TOTALLY OBJECTIFYING MY BODY.
First, you called my legs “stumpy.” Now, I used to be really insecure about my tiny legs, but nowadays since everyone seems to admire them, I figured my legs are what make me special. I’ve even started thinking about getting them insured à la Heidi Klum. Especially after that one incident, although I did look cute in that cast.
So I can take the comments about my legs. I know they’re kick ass. But then… then you started laughing and pointing at my, to put it in your words, “funny little Corgi butt.”
And my face just… well, this is what it did.
What, pray tell, is funny about a butt? First of all, butts are where smells come from — nothing funny there! Only interesting, delicious, wonderful things come from butts. I have dogs trot over to sniff my butt every day, and you know what? They love it! I’ve made a lot of great friends, and I have my fragrant tush to thank for it!
Secondly, my butt’s shaped like a freakin’ HEART, okay? That’s where LOVE comes from. And what’s better than love (besides treats)?
Also, I’ve got what humans like to call “junk in the trunk.” Sometimes my Mom gets on all fours on a yoga mat and lifts her legs like she’s a boy-dog peeing… all so she can make her booty look rounder. I don’t even have to lift my leg like a boy! My booty is naturally -licious. J. Lo, eat your heart out!
Finally, I’ve got so many followers on Instagram, and you know which shots get the most likes? You guessed it – the ones tagged #corgimomo.
Listen, ladies, I don’t know if you were raised by wolves or cats or something, but I’m writing this letter to let you know it’s not okay to make fun of anyone. It really hurt my feelings and made me so insecure that when we visited the dog run, I could barely concentrate on the Dachshund’s neck I was nibbling.
But as I gazed at the sun setting over the poop-trashcans of the dog run, I realized that a few ignorant humans can’t take away how proud I am of my curves. Sure, my butt is round and fluffy, but it isn’t “funny.” It’s PERFECTION.
So next time you want to body-shame a dog, remember that what makes us different makes us special. Imagine a world without scrunched-up Pug faces, without giant Great Dane legs, or without slow-motion gifs of Basset Hounds running. Who would want that?
The Most Bootylicious Bitch
P.S. We can still be friends; I love you anyway.
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