If you’re a dog owner, you are well aware of their specific language. It’s a language that arises out of instinct. But for those people who aren’t blessed by the company of a canine, this language is incomprehensible. So, here’s a cheat sheet of some of the most common phrases in “Dog Owner” language, along with translations for you non-dog owners:
1.”He just wants to say hello!”
Translation: He’s going to stick his head in your crotch and I need you to be OK with that.
2. “Awww look at Fifi doing butt circles again!!”
Translation: I’m instagramming my dog’s butt itch situation because it gets me likes.
3.”He’s a little judgmental.”
Translation: I say my dog has complex feelings because I can’t get past the fact that he’s just an asshole sometimes.
4. “Princess? Snuggle wuggle joogie boojie goo!”
Translation: I’ve had a stroke or I ate too many pop rocks as a child and it has severely impacted the language centers in my brain.
5. “Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”
Translation: This is the only way my dog will pay attention to me unless I am holding bacon.
6. “These are my babies, my lil furbabies!”
Translation: I am of the opinion that I can somehow birth a different species. I’m also weirdly turned off by human babies and hoping vitro fertilization radically evolves in the future to change this.
7. “It’s only grain-free for Sarge.”
Translation: The dog eats 10 times better than I do.
8. “Isn’t he cute?!”
Translation: No one ever told me I was cute as a child, so I picked a dog I deemed adorable so I can live vicariously through his compliments. Give me validation. I won’t walk away until you do. I’m serious. I need this.
9. “Stop barking, Milo. Daddy doesn’t like that.”
Translation: See Translation #6
10. “Ok Moosh, outside time!”
Translation: My dog is the only reason I spend any time outdoors.
11.”My dog is so sweet!”
Translation: He once pooped in a friend’s purse, but that was like three months ago, so he’s totally over it now.
12. “He’s housebroken.”
Translation: He’s housebroken 98% of the time.
13. “I have to hire a dog sitter for my final.”
Translation: I can’t leave my dog alone for three hours because I have separation anxiety even though I blame it on my dog 100% of the time.
14. “I have to go home to walk my dog.”
Translation: I know we had plans tonight, but I really don’t like you and I don’t have the courage to tell you that I’d rather hang out with someone who can’t talk.
15. “My dog has a gluten allergy”
Translation: I have projected my own allergy on my dog so we can eat the same foods together, and I don’t have to feel so weak and alone on Pie Day.
16. “Can I bring my dog?”
Translation: He’s my personality. Without him I bring nothing to the table, and I’m completely terrified of human interaction.
17. “Don’t say that in front of the dog.”
Translation: I think my dog has a moral barometer that matches my own. I am delusional.
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